I Go Both Ways

Confession: I write half blog posts all the time. I get running on a thought or rant in my head and try to document it, but it's never fully developed and usually contains a few fragments from different things. So instead of ever posting... I just save all these drafts. Defeats the point of a blog I would say, but I'd post from time to time. So here's the first of a couple of my half developed/semi-linear thoughts.

I find myself in a completely different world than I did 6 months ago. Different, but the same. I don't run into the extreme poverty (or weather) as much as I did then, but really I do just in other ways. Honestly, I'm a little glad that I'm in a different setting than I was before, not because I don't consider my year in Chicago extremely valuable, but because my current location is helping me absorb a greater picture.

I think there is a constant struggle and questioning of how to honor God with money. Definitely in Chicago I saw generosity in my neighbors that was humbling. I observed giving that was selfless and biblical. It was like God was shining a spotlight on these times and saying, "Look, this is what I mean when I ask you to give." It's very cool to see the kingdom lived out! But this Saturday I went with a group believers to serve breakfast to some of the San Antonio homeless population, and this was equally as humbling. Every week without fail they serve and love. This past Saturday they even had a Christmas card table so people could mail their friends and families (very cool!). Again, the gospel lived out.

Coming from a post mission year mindset I think I, along with others, can unintentionally deem one circumstance more righteous than another. It's hard not to when you see the suffering people live through because they don't have enough money to get by and then others having more money than they know what to do with. But even so, there were some people in both communities I lived in who gave generously and some people who did not. Just because some one is living off a small income doesn't mean they are following Christ, and just because some one has a lot money doesn't mean they are disobedient. Would we shame the women in scripture who had financial means but used it to supported Jesus, his disciples, and his ministry (Luke 8:1-3)? Do you have to be on food stamps to know what extravagant generosity looks like? Paul said he had found the secret of being content with plenty or with want... that in both there is a way to glorify God (Phil 4:12).

I guess I just get frustrated at the sense of self righteousness that I hear/sense from others who come from the simplicity side. I get frustrated with myself as well for picking up that same self righteousness some where along the way. In Mission Year we learned not to be prejudice against people because of their circumstances, but since Mission Year I find I'm learning the same lesson in reverse.

New Wine in Old Wine Skins

San Antonio, the beginning, middle, and current location of my journey.

I feel like coming back here after having such a life altering year is difficult for the very reason that I'm not the same as I use to be. Or sometimes I wonder if I am still the same, or worse yet, that I began a transformation and have now returned to the former things. Familiar surroundings have a funny way of playing tricks on a person. Sometimes I feel like I see my life more clearly than before, and sometimes my whole perspective is clouded.

So specifically Jesus is speaking about fasting when he mentions the wine skins in Matthew 9, but I feel like this is where I'm caught. Trying to fit back into something old. It doesn't fit the way it use to. It's a little tight, uncomfortable. Sometimes I even suck in and pull at the sleeves of this old garment, but it still doesn't look right. I guess that's reassurance that I am changing. I'm not the person I was when I got off the plane in Chicago 15 months ago. Sometimes I even laugh about how clueless I was when I started. Mission Year= reality check! Did I even understand injustice, service, loving my neighbor, racial reconciliation? Do I even understand it now?

We wrote a letter to ourselves during closing retreat that would be sent to us 3 months after the end of the program. I got mine not too long ago, and I was surprised. I don't know if I was more surprised by how passionately I wrote about things, or that I don't still carry that same fervor. That's what scares me.

I hate confessing this because I know I sound like a broken record and I don't regret the choice to come back to Texas, but I want to be in Chicago. I mentioned this to a friend of mine recently who kindly suggested that maybe it's the clearer vision, the lessons, the community that I miss, not specifically the location. In my neighborhood I experienced a new powerful reality, and I miss it. In my mind, my transforming self fits there. It doesn't fit here.

So tell me, how do old wine skins transform into new ones? How do I translate my Chicago self back into a San Antonio context? Surely things much change because otherwise Jesus' conclusion says fitting the new into the old only brings ruin to both the wine and the wine skins.

I feel my clothes starting to tear.

Job Search Woes/Reflections

I have a college degree and no job. I want one. I even get online to search for them, but I seldom walk away feeling hopeful about my experience qualifying me to do anything I find. It's like all San Antonio jobs come with a Bilingual prerequisite, especially in the human services field. Besides, most nonprofits are looking for volunteers, not employees. So things are slow in the employment spectrum. Anyway, today was one of those "look for jobs/feel like my education was worthless" days. Again I find myself thinking,"What am I doing here!"

But then I get a phone call from my grandma who needs someone to come over and help with a some what trivial task. We end up going to lunch and I get to hear about her childhood Christmas memories and friendships she still treasures. Having her in the same city as me is an opportunity I've never had before this season of my life. In Mission Year we were encouraged to find time to "waste" with people, love them through presence. It's been a blessing to not only love my grandma by helping her find her glasses and go grocery shopping, but to have her give me her life wisdom and perspective, as well.

I think the time afforded me here in San Antonio is more important than what I allow myself to realize.