New Wine in Old Wine Skins

San Antonio, the beginning, middle, and current location of my journey.

I feel like coming back here after having such a life altering year is difficult for the very reason that I'm not the same as I use to be. Or sometimes I wonder if I am still the same, or worse yet, that I began a transformation and have now returned to the former things. Familiar surroundings have a funny way of playing tricks on a person. Sometimes I feel like I see my life more clearly than before, and sometimes my whole perspective is clouded.

So specifically Jesus is speaking about fasting when he mentions the wine skins in Matthew 9, but I feel like this is where I'm caught. Trying to fit back into something old. It doesn't fit the way it use to. It's a little tight, uncomfortable. Sometimes I even suck in and pull at the sleeves of this old garment, but it still doesn't look right. I guess that's reassurance that I am changing. I'm not the person I was when I got off the plane in Chicago 15 months ago. Sometimes I even laugh about how clueless I was when I started. Mission Year= reality check! Did I even understand injustice, service, loving my neighbor, racial reconciliation? Do I even understand it now?

We wrote a letter to ourselves during closing retreat that would be sent to us 3 months after the end of the program. I got mine not too long ago, and I was surprised. I don't know if I was more surprised by how passionately I wrote about things, or that I don't still carry that same fervor. That's what scares me.

I hate confessing this because I know I sound like a broken record and I don't regret the choice to come back to Texas, but I want to be in Chicago. I mentioned this to a friend of mine recently who kindly suggested that maybe it's the clearer vision, the lessons, the community that I miss, not specifically the location. In my neighborhood I experienced a new powerful reality, and I miss it. In my mind, my transforming self fits there. It doesn't fit here.

So tell me, how do old wine skins transform into new ones? How do I translate my Chicago self back into a San Antonio context? Surely things much change because otherwise Jesus' conclusion says fitting the new into the old only brings ruin to both the wine and the wine skins.

I feel my clothes starting to tear.

Job Search Woes/Reflections

I have a college degree and no job. I want one. I even get online to search for them, but I seldom walk away feeling hopeful about my experience qualifying me to do anything I find. It's like all San Antonio jobs come with a Bilingual prerequisite, especially in the human services field. Besides, most nonprofits are looking for volunteers, not employees. So things are slow in the employment spectrum. Anyway, today was one of those "look for jobs/feel like my education was worthless" days. Again I find myself thinking,"What am I doing here!"

But then I get a phone call from my grandma who needs someone to come over and help with a some what trivial task. We end up going to lunch and I get to hear about her childhood Christmas memories and friendships she still treasures. Having her in the same city as me is an opportunity I've never had before this season of my life. In Mission Year we were encouraged to find time to "waste" with people, love them through presence. It's been a blessing to not only love my grandma by helping her find her glasses and go grocery shopping, but to have her give me her life wisdom and perspective, as well.

I think the time afforded me here in San Antonio is more important than what I allow myself to realize.

There has to be a First

Well, I started this blog because I thought I had things I wanted to write about or reflect on. Unfortunately, now that I have started this page, I haven't had anything in particular to write about. I think I just need to get in the habit of using it.

In Mission Year (www.missionyear.org) I had a blog, but I didn't write in it much because I knew anyone interested in the organization past or present could check out my blog. I felt this pressure to write really profound reflections on my year, and often didn't feel up to the task. So here's my second, more honest, attempt at blogging.

The one of the hardest things about starting a blog, I believe, is creating a name. It represents the essence of what the blog is about right? Do I make it deep and meaningful or practical and straight forward? After realizing I had spent too much time trying to think of a name for this I just decided on something. I love Mother Theresa. Her books are probably on my top favorites list. One of my favorite quotes of hers is "I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world." So the name "Creative Writing" expresses how the Lord is using my life as a letter to others that he LOVES them. I'm not a creative writer... I'm just me. But God is a creative and, in a sense, at this point in my life, it's like I'm just free writing. I'm not sure what the next chapter is going to read like.
We'll see if the name sticks. Thanks for the visit.