Lost

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

by David Wagoner

Can't shake the feeling

Has it really been 2 months since I posted? Indeed. Life has a way of sweeping you along whether one's aware of it or not.

Alot has happened in the last couple weeks. I have about 2 weeks or 14 days (whose counting?) left at my current job. Though I enjoyed parts of it, the distance I have to drive and the times I have to work made it very difficult for me to take care of myself. I've been increasingly craving community, and working the night shift puts me in an opposite schedule as most of my connections. Plus depending on if I have to go to work for meetings or trainings along with my shift I could be on the road for 3 hours! Enough!

I have a new job I will be starting the end of May working as support staff for a urban missions organization here in San Antonio. God has definitely been preparing my heart for this and whatever is to follow (which at the moment I am at peace with not knowing). Before then I am going to Chicago to visit friends and memories. Can't wait! Sometimes I when I drive I think about all the things I love in Chicago and I get a huge grin on my face. Needless to say April has been a LOOOOONNNNGGG month for me because I'm anticipating my trip and new job!

2 more days I can make it.

Since You Asked

OK, not that you really did ask, but here's what's new with me.

• I am deciding on another race to run. I'd like to run for a World Vision team, but first I gotta pick a race. None of which happen to be in my city. I'm also trying to convince some one to do the Muddy Buddy in Austin with me. Since I am gainfully employed now I may even get... a gym membership!
  
• I am applying to Eastern University for International Development. If I go there I will be in Philadelphia next year.
• I have every intention of buying Rosetta Stone in Spanish when I get the money saved up. After living in San Antonio again I have realized the importance of knowing it as a second language.
• I joined an online book club. The first month we're reading "Eat, Pray, Love" I gotta get myself to the library/boarders to pick it up soon!
• I gotta job. Woo. It's going alright. I'm just impressed I've made it through a month. Pay check #2 is coming any day now! Rock on!

I guess that's all the major stuff for now. At least what I can think of. Just wanted to post something since posts are usually few and far between. I'll do a better one later.

Well Fed

Sunday we read from Luke 6 during service. The verses that really stuck out to me were 21 and 25. They say" Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh." and "Woe to you who are well fed now, for you will go hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you will mourn and weep."

I don't think there's anything wrong with eating well or laughing. I think what's wrong is that there are people who are well fed while others, almost a billion in our world today, go hungry daily! As one enjoys plenty, another endures immense hardship. And it's not just in Africa, its in San Antonio. It's not because there isn't enough food in the world! I can't help but feel like things are way off tilt when I walk into grocery stores with aisles full of food knowing how extreme poverty is elsewhere in our world.

But I didn't write this blog to say we should clear the shelves of HEB and ship it all to Africa, or that people should feel guilty about a good meal and and evening with friends. I really just wanted say something about it to force me to feel some accountability. I hear those verses and I know where I fit in. I am well fed. I think that gives me a responsibility to be part of the solution. Like John says in Luke 3:11, "John answered, "The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same."'

So here's to brainstorming about how to be part of the solution...

200,000 miles

Happy 200,000 miles Jimmy!!

I can't believe he's getting so old. It's been 8 years together for Jimmy and I. One of the most permanent relationships in my life. (Sad? Maybe.) Though of course Jimmy is just an "thing," something that will one day be sold and replaced. He carries with him connections to some of the most important memories I have growing up. I remember the night I got Jimmy. I was a sophomore in high school, I think. I came home from a concert trip with with my youth group. It was meaningful because I first felt God's call to missions at this concert. When I got home my dad had it sitting in the drive way waiting to suprise me . I was so excited! Jimmy was with me through high school. Driving youth around for sonic and smoothie central stops, relationships, and conflicts. During college we drove to and from Lubbock more times than I can remember. He took me to decorate trees on the side of highways, friends' weddings, and retreats. He listened to me cry, pray, rejoice, and sing. He was the catalyst for some spontaneous evenings and a tour guide for Christmas light tours. I definitely beat him up a few times too. For example, running into a Sonic sign and getting his side mirror taken off because I drove through a gated community the wrong way. Thankfully, he's forgiving. His breakdowns have been few and far between. In fact the one of the few memories I have of us breaking down was running out of gas after my brother's wedding. Oops!

There were a couple years in there where Jimmy wasn't with me. My freshman year of college Jimmy stayed home. But we're like old friends; we picked up right where we left off when I came home for breaks and bringing him back to Tech for sophomore year. Then he stayed home while I was in Chicago too. I think this was for the best. I do see him as a gift that can be used to bless others, but last year I was the recipient of that gift. I also received a sense of community from riding the bus and walking down the street. Anyway, now we're reunited again, and whose to say where the Lord will lead us next...

So here's to you Jimmy! Thank you for all you've done! I look forward to more memories in the future!

I Go Both Ways

Confession: I write half blog posts all the time. I get running on a thought or rant in my head and try to document it, but it's never fully developed and usually contains a few fragments from different things. So instead of ever posting... I just save all these drafts. Defeats the point of a blog I would say, but I'd post from time to time. So here's the first of a couple of my half developed/semi-linear thoughts.

I find myself in a completely different world than I did 6 months ago. Different, but the same. I don't run into the extreme poverty (or weather) as much as I did then, but really I do just in other ways. Honestly, I'm a little glad that I'm in a different setting than I was before, not because I don't consider my year in Chicago extremely valuable, but because my current location is helping me absorb a greater picture.

I think there is a constant struggle and questioning of how to honor God with money. Definitely in Chicago I saw generosity in my neighbors that was humbling. I observed giving that was selfless and biblical. It was like God was shining a spotlight on these times and saying, "Look, this is what I mean when I ask you to give." It's very cool to see the kingdom lived out! But this Saturday I went with a group believers to serve breakfast to some of the San Antonio homeless population, and this was equally as humbling. Every week without fail they serve and love. This past Saturday they even had a Christmas card table so people could mail their friends and families (very cool!). Again, the gospel lived out.

Coming from a post mission year mindset I think I, along with others, can unintentionally deem one circumstance more righteous than another. It's hard not to when you see the suffering people live through because they don't have enough money to get by and then others having more money than they know what to do with. But even so, there were some people in both communities I lived in who gave generously and some people who did not. Just because some one is living off a small income doesn't mean they are following Christ, and just because some one has a lot money doesn't mean they are disobedient. Would we shame the women in scripture who had financial means but used it to supported Jesus, his disciples, and his ministry (Luke 8:1-3)? Do you have to be on food stamps to know what extravagant generosity looks like? Paul said he had found the secret of being content with plenty or with want... that in both there is a way to glorify God (Phil 4:12).

I guess I just get frustrated at the sense of self righteousness that I hear/sense from others who come from the simplicity side. I get frustrated with myself as well for picking up that same self righteousness some where along the way. In Mission Year we learned not to be prejudice against people because of their circumstances, but since Mission Year I find I'm learning the same lesson in reverse.

New Wine in Old Wine Skins

San Antonio, the beginning, middle, and current location of my journey.

I feel like coming back here after having such a life altering year is difficult for the very reason that I'm not the same as I use to be. Or sometimes I wonder if I am still the same, or worse yet, that I began a transformation and have now returned to the former things. Familiar surroundings have a funny way of playing tricks on a person. Sometimes I feel like I see my life more clearly than before, and sometimes my whole perspective is clouded.

So specifically Jesus is speaking about fasting when he mentions the wine skins in Matthew 9, but I feel like this is where I'm caught. Trying to fit back into something old. It doesn't fit the way it use to. It's a little tight, uncomfortable. Sometimes I even suck in and pull at the sleeves of this old garment, but it still doesn't look right. I guess that's reassurance that I am changing. I'm not the person I was when I got off the plane in Chicago 15 months ago. Sometimes I even laugh about how clueless I was when I started. Mission Year= reality check! Did I even understand injustice, service, loving my neighbor, racial reconciliation? Do I even understand it now?

We wrote a letter to ourselves during closing retreat that would be sent to us 3 months after the end of the program. I got mine not too long ago, and I was surprised. I don't know if I was more surprised by how passionately I wrote about things, or that I don't still carry that same fervor. That's what scares me.

I hate confessing this because I know I sound like a broken record and I don't regret the choice to come back to Texas, but I want to be in Chicago. I mentioned this to a friend of mine recently who kindly suggested that maybe it's the clearer vision, the lessons, the community that I miss, not specifically the location. In my neighborhood I experienced a new powerful reality, and I miss it. In my mind, my transforming self fits there. It doesn't fit here.

So tell me, how do old wine skins transform into new ones? How do I translate my Chicago self back into a San Antonio context? Surely things much change because otherwise Jesus' conclusion says fitting the new into the old only brings ruin to both the wine and the wine skins.

I feel my clothes starting to tear.